Do you have small children? When I say small, I am referring to the population that is not so small that they are not yet mobile or the population of children in your home who are old enough to not give a crap what you are doing.
I am referring to the kids who reside in the sweet spot between the ages of 3-10. The ones who still get scared of the things that go bump in the night. The kids who occasionally want to get co-sleep cuddles or the ones who wake up routinely for a glass of water or to be accompanied to the bathroom. The ones who quietly burst into a bedroom with no warning; they are like ninja babies. Someone should trademark a bell for that.
There’s nothing quite so fear inducing as being burst in on mid-coitus. You both freeze and hope the child either is half-asleep and saw nothing, never opens their eyes as they make their way into bed with you or that you imagined the entire thing. Either way, copulation is over as two, of the three, of you lie there in a cold sweat. I think it’s even worse than when you were caught by your parents.
But what if they do open their eyes? What then? Here are a few explanations that you can use to explain what your child thought they saw happening.
- Mommy and Daddy were wrestling.
- Honey, Daddy was telling Mommy a secret that’s why we were so close together.
- Daddy was giving Mommy a massage.
- Mommy and Daddy were working out together.
- Mommy and Daddy were playing horsey.
- Mommy was giving Daddy a piggyback ride.
- Mommy/Daddy had an itch she/he couldn’t reach and I was taking a closer look.
- Mommy dropped something and Daddy was helping hold her so she wouldn’t fall over when she picked it up.
- It was too hot so we took our clothes off to sleep.
- We were praying out loud.
- Mommy and Daddy were taking a shower together to save water.
Personally, I’m going to do what my friend did and get myself a prayer closet. What is a prayer closet you ask? So, did I. My friend and her husband once resorted to copulating in their large walk in closet. After she spent a good 10 minutes calling out, “Oh God,†she walked out to be greeted by her small daughter. Who promptly asked, “ Mommy, what were you doing in the closet?†My friend nonchalantly answered, “Honey, Mommy was praying. It’s Mommy and Daddy’s prayer closet.â€Â
That prayer closet has since been soundproofed. I think I may need to get myself a soundproofed prayer closet with a padlock and some sort of chime system whenever the door opens. Perhaps even a camera should be placed above the door on the outside so that I can see if anyone is outside the door.
All I know is that we are getting older and the quickies in bathroom, under the bed and under the stairs during nap time are bad on my back and the being frozen in fear can’t be good for our hearts. Here’s hoping the electrified gate across the door does the trick.
What’s your go to explanation when you get caught mid-coitus?
Photo Source: UGGBoy
